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The Superb Grand Turd Ecotourer





The Zhargian way and Hand Relief Investment Advisors Inc.,

The Old Empire has crapped itself. It may not be dead but our expert says that it does not smell too good and it has not moved much during the last few weeks. The New Empires send themselves into what they call space, eat horrible Old Empire food, are getting fat, have failed to realize that their climate sucks, make shit TV with women that have very small breasts, don't like cheese, get drunk too quickly, are killing themselves with cigarettes and allow their rich to want to live in Seattle, Toronto, Nice, Auckland, Brisbane or Watford. The New Empires are doomed.

We Zhargis understand recession - after all it was we who invented sub prime although we had intended this be an interesting new way for tourists to see fish. We are very interested in fish. Many fish are highly respected on Zharg for their financial acumen.

All those bricks and all that concrete were delivered entirely free of cost by minor Zhargian banks. We at Hand Relief Investment Advisors Inc., Zharg know the outcome and we have the solution. Of course we do! Are you totally stupid? We made the problem.

Slimeballs Sphincter, Chief Financial Anal at HRIAZ wrote in a past issue of the HRIAZ in house magazine :

You and everyone else are too late

Like a Zhargian cat chasing itís tail.

Here is what to do:

Donít, DONíT buy anything other than HRI units

Not shares, not land, not cars, not underwear, not nothing.

Sell what you donít need NOW and very, very quickly:

Expensive car, boat, kids, non income earning items Ė shovel the lot & super quick.

Donít get caught out .

Give up copulation - you cannot afford it.

Pay your taxes now while you have money.

Fire non performing staff including yourself and that harlot from nextdoor.

Batten hatches.

Keep cash safe in other currencies:

Swiss Franc Ė Yen - above all Zhargots

Agree reductions in rent NOW.

Mortgage your wives.

Nobody (except us) knows how bad this really is:

It is bottomless, like your wives

and donít bury your hard earned money into a government bail out.

More taxes Ė more banks in trouble - unbelievable debts.

Many will hit the deck:


There is no blanket.

Laugh? You cannot EVEN see Granny with herself half mangled by her lost pension and the other half in a carehome that her children can no longer afford.

Oh how the mighty fall when the vapour of money evaporates to prove the illusion.

Stratospheric penthouse prices Ė on their way down through your basement and onwards.

Donít do nothing until Wednesday.

The Prophet of Doom sees a silver lining in a coat of many colours most of which are brown.

Buy HRI units and avoid sudden movement.

Dictated by Count Doomboy Baby Slimeballs-Sphincter,



 Meantime, we on Zharg know that you should now laugh heartily because all the best toys are in the Old Empire. Hang around and you can charge the New Dudes whatever you like. You will get to have the last laugh as they ask to borrow cash from you for stuff they cannot afford but just have to have. In no more than a metric clutch of Wednesdays you might have seen all the cash back in your bank except that we will have most of it here on Zharg.  


Key Benefits of HRI

  • Realize the equity in your wife.
  • Impress your neighbours with your knowledge of Zhargian financial systems.
  • Rock steady zero growth and nil income guarantee the value of HRI units.
  • Free yourself from the drudgery of counting your hard cash.
  • Amaze your friends with your stupidity.


Our innate Zhargian expertise allows us to value your wife and assures you of the best possible valuation for such a wreck. You can relax knowing we will have much more fun with your money than you ever did. You will never get to ski in the Zhargian Alps nor swim in the Zhargian Brown Sea of Turdy - but we will. We will get to wear trainers that let water in and smell out.

Let us amaze your women with our interesting pointy bits.

Saddle your children with a legacy of debt and let us whoop it up in the meantime.

Never forget past performance is no guide to future performance and your investments can increase or decrease in value except in the case of HRI units which have always failed and always were and always will be completely worthless but are so much more fun than a pension. 

Information Request Form

Select the items that apply, and then let us know how to contact you if you are truly ready to part with all your cash - otherwise please do not bother. We have better things to do than listen to more of your inane drivel.

Send service literature (Meaning: you send it to us, you berk.)
Send company literature (Cost to you at least EUR 4085 plus P&P.)*
Have a salesperson dismantle me and sell me into slavery on Zharg.


*Fee waived in return for a go on your wife. Offer subject to approval of your wife's financial status and area of body hair (armpits excluded for those from Southern Europe).

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