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Zharg Culture - The Songs of Zharg - More Hidden Secrets of Zharg

There is virtually no culture on Zharg  - except, of course, for the wonderful Songs of Zharg.

Zharg is often confused with Australia, an island to the North of Tasmania.

Zhargis devote most of their education to consuming distilled and fermented juices so that they can live in hope of writing the perfect Song of Zharg in later life. Most Zhargis consider the attempted fulfilment of this dream to be their highest aspiration. 

Every Zhargi claims to have either written or at least to know each of the very few Songs of Zharg to have been written. They are famous throughout those parts of the Universe which have the ill luck to be close to Zharg. Every detail of each Song of Zharg is discussed and analysed continually as has been the case for innumerable Wednesdays. Were Zhargis to have dinner parties, they would discuss Zhargian songs.

Every Zhargi spends at least 40 per cent of his, hers or its money on the Songs of Zharg.

The Songs of Zharg are exceedingly tedious. This enhances their appeal to the Zhargis. The Songs of Zharg are known on all other planets to be both completely worthless and a complete load of crap.

Zhargis trade in the Songs of Zharg with a highly developed distribution chain and a complex market in Song Futures and Derivates (ZSFD) in which large quantities of future unwritten songs are bundled together and sold to unsuspecting idiots as securities. Zhargis buy these believing they will increase in value. All Zhargis have pension plans based on securities which consist only of the Songs of Zharg. There are very few financially literate Zhargis and for this reason alone, this important part of the Zhargian economy is able to report that it is unspeakably profitable and that all Zhargis are in turn either now or soon will be rich or at least richer than they were at the time they had this thought.

During the odd moment that Zhargis actually realize they are spending a substantial part of their income on crap they console themselves with the incredible beauty both of the Songs of Zharg and (perhaps more importantly) of the Zhargian Song Market.


The Songs of Zharg:

The first Song Of Morag:

All whinsey were yhe barrglogs an all syntheti wre the Morag

even unto bobolylliput a sagresh

mini insetoo parglupiasl

and smelt terrible bad and green

if nose unclench while bum wiped by friend or foe

fit to be a toothbrush

no come back

until shoe laces cleaned by nurse with clenched bum

-away now

just throwy bollockies over shouldy and wave goodbyeeeee

Written by Larry following a day long dream of Morag the Naked


The Wheel of Shite

On each other

which was quite ok for the ones at the top

who laughed like hell

as brown touts fell from a height

onto those at the bottom

All changed when

the ferris wheel turned slowly round

and those above

became those below

So what goes around comes around

Shite on others and they will shite back 7 fold

To be sung in the key of F minor while accompanied by the Wrinkled Retainer Jazz Band on the Magic Sea Organ.


The Fifteenth Zhargian Dinner Song

Salted cod

Total time for cod

Longer than amoeba

Shorter than a small rock

Be a prawn

Lay down a nice sediment

And be proud of your little shale

Later on make an Arab rather rich

It's important work being a spawn Prawn but

A lobster makes an altogether better class of rich fucker.


The Lament of the Lost Zhargi

 Zharga I am

I Zharga I be

If you're nae a Zhargi

Then go Fuck Off 

(Oft times to the tune of Zharg the Depraved)


The Song of the Lonesome Zhargi

Once I thought that to stay at home

To play with my bone

While I were alone

Would be really quite nice

But itís quite taboo

To have a wank in the loo

And it is so very much better

To have sex with at least two.

Itís politically incorrect

To be at home erect

Oft times sung to the tune of the March of the Stiffy


Zhargian National Anthem

I wanna Zharg I wanna Zharg I wanna Zharg all spaced out

I wanna holla & girolla as a one haired Zhork--OY


A chicaburra chicaburra nig & a nog

A huba dauba is no blow blog

A rumble jumble: one to three

Spread out like limbos like a Christmas Tree


Now the Zhargian planet is plain to see

Full of one haired veggies just like me

So Zharg a doo and Zharg a day

Go play with yourself every day


If you see fit to Zharg on the shelf

You only got to blame yourself

So Zharg to the left and a Zharg to the right

Waggle your bedraggles get your arse outasight

 Sung to the tune of the Zhargian National Anthem: "Zharg the Stench".

Original words were written by Larry the Lobster during a visit to Zharg on Wednesday 26799th day of November 1963 while under the influence of a suspended kipper.


The March of the 14th July Fishhead Brigade

Scared of Fishhead of Bootle

He was just a hoodie

Yasmac was his mudder

Beware more the hair of Zharg

For in his abedneego was a flea

More contagious than outrageous

An after burner to the black death


Beware the 14th of July is upon us

Forget Fishhead and Sir Acker Bilk

From this very moment beware the Zhargian wind

Watch the Sunís black spots

The Evil Smell could waft your way

Smell but do not Sniff 

And never Scratch

Written by Larry in September, long before July and while in a trance brought on by dangerously sized underwear.

Only ever sung while under the influence of effluence in springtime.


Song from Fucking Beach

Those photos are with me in the sunny Caribbean

Not so boring fucking boring particularly when taking photos of naked native brown skin girls

So I'll keep the boring fucking brown skin girl photos taken with the boring fucked out camera

and fucking fuck off to the sandy sunny beach under the blue skies of Cabarete

and get a fucking boring deep brown tan whilst reading about the frozen north and the ungritted

highways of Europe

Lucky Larry Lobo

Fucking Lucky all things considered

Written once by Larry in his underwear

Never sung and slowly ejected during yet another routine atrocity

Nero's and that sodding cowboy

On the cusp of insignificance 

Does he wander through the dark in his floral nighty 

knitted by Nero after a session of electroshock treatment 

Being Nero he quite liked it 


Hey ho silver away back to tomorrow today 

That was the masked man they say 

And Tonto likes him that way 

So get up on that doggie 

Ride him like Geronimo 

let him go all the way

Extracted from Larry while he was sedated.

Sung to the tune of Boogie-on by Fishhead of Bootle






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