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Want to know more about Zharg?: SEXUAL WARS  ZHARG CULTURE   THE FAMOUS ZHARG ECONOMY

The Soul of Zharg, following a consultation with His very own Veginess (i.e. himself), has said: "Estoy Constipado!".

The SoZ has therefore recognized the importance of the Enemy in diverting attention from any matter of importance. The Enemy binds all Zhargis together in a common spirit and is cheaper than football.

Recent excessive expenditure in advance of very many impossible successes resulting from speculation on derivatives and spread betting based on movements of the market for the Songs of Zharg (need to know more?) has resulted in a very minor, almost pathetically small, budgetary deficit likely to last for either another 27 milliseconds or until the end of time depending on whether you are an idiot or a lying bastard. This completely infinitesimally small and hardly worthy of mention deficit can be partly or totally remedied (depending on whether you care or not) by cancelling all expenditure required to either combat, avoid or photograph The Enemy.

In one cost centric brainwobble the SoZ has decided The Enemy shall now be The Enemy Within. Thus all Zhargis will be responsible for Their Own Enemy. The armies will be sent home, the navies will work naked in the fields and the air forces will be forced. Zhargis can easily create their own Enemy Within by deciding not to like or at least to slightly disrespect their male, female or vegetable part and in some case all three simultaneously, this latter option being obligatory for Chartered Accountants who are genetically ill equipped to agree or advise on much at all other than their fee which will arrive late when you will have certainly forgotten about it and cannot possibly afford it. This theorem has recently been proven by the Government of Neasden's Investigation into the Matter of the Abuses of Frilly Underwear and Excessively Long but Rather Attractively Curly Under Arm Hair. As a result of the investigation nobody was removed from office and happily for the benefit of nobody in particular all members of the Government have retired in order to spend less time discussing the affairs of Uganda and yet more time with their expenses claim forms. Governments come and go and perfection is only a legal term away.

The Enemy Within (TEW) will be assaulted in the First Great Sexual War. The first stage of the war will be an outright refusal to have sexual intercourse even though Zhargis can unfortunately do this without involving anything or anyone else other than themselves and an unsightly twitch. The SoZ has decreed the first attack will or might very well follow a period of continual masturbation which, while proving the desirability of TEW, will also prove TEW to be quite unnecessary and thus formidably slighted. During this period many otherwise financially doomed publications, TV channels, top shelves, tissue makers and web sites on Earth will suffer an economic recovery such that will give rise to an unforeseen (so you will be told, you utter twat) fiscal benefit of a size that the tax take will reach unimaginably high amounts and thus quantative easing will be a byname for hand relief although it will prove to be somewhat more expensive, more durable and rather less exhilarating. The resulting government wealth will allow the fullfillment of their ambition to order the largest Orgasmatron (want to know more?) ever seen outside of CNC 55. This in turn will produce a flow of spondulicks to allow Zhargis to devote more income to the market for the Songs of Zharg*. As Zharg Corporation Tax rates will then surely reach a basic rate in excess of 187% before capital allowances and timing differences, the SoZ will be able to launch the Mother of All Advertising Campaigns to promote hatred of The Enemy and happily war will resume.

Blessed are the artificial inseminators who will keep making people while humans are too tired or more inclined to break wind during oral sex.

Blessed are the condom makers for they shall not always leak.

Blessed are the Itchy and certain of the Scratchy for they are not what they are or ever were.

Blessed are the bribed for they shall sell us something later although we know not what but the label is good and more importantly I can afford it and you cannot.

Fuck not The Enemy; fuck yourself. Make TEW claw at you with delight.

Fuck off if you did not go to a good school: it's gone way past too late now.

Repeat often: "I am accomplished in all the arts of self amusement".

There will be no second stage of the First Great Sexual War as by the time the advertising contracts** have been happily and generously completed by those of no abilities whatsoever, SoZ will at once commence The Second (but Rather More Fun than the First) Sexual War.

The Second (but Rather More Fun than the First) Sexual War will involve very many skinny women who will with luck sneer at me and make me feel wanted from time to time for no particular reason other than they plan to leave quite soon.*** The creature by the doorway may look happy today but I have read and understood the decree "Estoy Constipado" or, in English, "Here is a Policeman".

Better stand clear.

The attack will commence as soon as I am out of here .

* Songs emitting less than 4 kgs of quality shite per verse may attract a government subsidy. Conditions apply. Ask your pompadour: he knows best but fibs like the bastard he is. (Editor's note to press: this has NOTHING to do with the GREEN SHITES of RECOVERY nor the BROWN SHITES OF DISCOVERY.

** Because it has nothing to sell the Government will account for more than 60% of all advertising revenues thus justifying the nationalization of all advertising agencies because no Zhargi will ever do anything as  a result of seeing the most boring publicity ever created. Anyone or anything with something to sell is forbidden to advertise as this will interrupt important Government announcements and make SoZ ever so tetchy. Keep quiet, you industrious fuckwit.

*** Anyone knowing their whereabouts will be stroked and asked home if they add the location to "Recently Visited" on the SoZ's DikDik, an amusing little box with a battery and wires hanging out of it. 

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