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Model one Zharg Orgasmatron Stimulator:

Power source: 3 x PP9 batteries, 2 green bananas and 1 aspirin tablet

HID: on / off button (note do not push in for longer than 5 seconds - should button become stuck at the on position we recommend that you run for it)

Display: throbs pink to indicate activation. A green glow indicates a need to apply a domestic disinfectant. A blue glow suggests you may have died. Sorry: awfully bad luck. See you later.

Operating system: Zharg Open Bucket Networks based on concept of any user being able to pee in the bucket and thus contribute to gradual change of the system: some change may be good, some bad. No matter which, given time the bucket will smell bad.

Central processor: 3 cauliflowers in series augmented by 4Ghz coprolite cell system.

Interfaeces: TSC (total sphincter control) series four, Gobshite V2, network enabled, ZOBN 2010.

Outer case: 99% vegetable matter, coloured pink.

Supplied with a handbook, 2 naked women, a leather carry case and 2 fridges.

These details comply with Zhargian restrictions on the transmission of technical information and may be used in any country except those listed below:

Austria (too many people called "Doctor".)

Belgium (designated as something nasty by the SoZ in August 1237 AD.)

Italia (definitively excess armpit hair)

Neasdenia (long considered to be a security risk by the SoZ)

The Isle of Phukk (following several visits by members of the Great Incontinent Senate)

Outer Sodemia and Inner Gommia (they have too much fun already)

Reproduction prohibited. Whether in public or not.

Details of the all new Terra Range Zharg Orgasmatron Stimulator will be released within weeks. (Note - this may be incorrect but who cares?  Latest news: The Department of Offence has placed an order for the first ever Terra Orgasmatron. This has no connection with Cushendall or any other heavily industrialized megalopolis.)

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